Getting the Straight Scoop From Bogart

I’m tired of doubletalk. I’m looking for a straight answer as to why America has 14 million unemployed people who have little hope for finding a job. I was not about to ask a politician for an explanation, so I called the ghost of Humphrey Bogart to give me the real story.
You may remember Woody Allen’s “Play It Again Sam,” where the main character called on Bogart’s ghost for advice in winning over the woman he loved. I needed the real scoop on jobs from someone like detective Sam Spade, Bogart’s character in the 1941 movie, “The Maltese Falcon,” or Philip Marlowe in “The Big Sleep.”
So with apologies to both movies I recount the foggy night I met Bogart’s ghost at the Ugly Mug in Cape May. I figured he’d like the name of the joint. I asked Bogey what’s really going on in America because it seems like most of us are mad at anyone connected with the government and big corporations.
“What are you all steamed up about?” asked Bogie, ordering a bourbon.
I told him the nation’s economy had tanked and there seemed to be no cure. I wanted to know what he had heard from the other side.
“I’ll break the news to you,” he said. “Your big cheeses in their tall buildings and your president, House and Congress sent all your jobs overseas.”
“How many?” I asked.
“The way I see it, its about 8 million jobs, so that explains a lot of it,” said Bogie. “You ever heard of free trade agreements, kid?
I nodded.
“The latest three are real doozies, South Korea, Korea and Panama,” said Bogie. “Down in Columbia they have a record of bumping off union organizers and your South Korea is going to flood your country with more cheap towels and shirts than a Casablanca street market and you’re going to be up to your neck in Hyundais and Kias cause the deal lifts all the car tariffs.”
Bogart said an egghead think tank had figured at least 159,000 American jobs will be lost due to the three new trade agreements.
“For crying out loud, haven’t you figured it out?” asked Bogie. “Your government has sold you down the river, all the jobs will keep going overseas.”
“Your job growth will stay stiff as a board,” he continued. “You’re getting slapped in the face and they want you to like it, both the Dems and Republicans.”
I asked Bogie what he would do about the economy and outsourcing.
“The big companies want all Americans to work for nine bucks an hour and until they get it, the jobs will keep taking the express train to China,” he said.
Bogie handed me a wrinkled telegram.
“There’s your news Clark Kent,” he said to me.
It was a report from The Economic Policy Institute that noted, “Since free trade with China began in 2001, over 5.5 million manufacturing jobs have been lost due to our growing trade deficit. During that time period, approximately 46,000 factories have been transferred from the United States to Asia.”
According to the report, “Over 350,000 foreign subsidiaries are located in Panama to take advantage of our lax tax laws, usually in the form of offshore shell companies and fake headquarters.”
I asked Bogie what was the solution for out-of-work job seekers?
“Get on a boat or a plane, the runway goes in two directions,” he said. “You’re wasting your time thinking anything is going to change here.”
“Do I have to spell it out for you?” he continued. “Read the rest of the report.”
The Economic Policy Institute reported the North American Free Trade Agreement, signed in 1993, caused the displacement of over 879,000 U.S. jobs.
“I’d be occupying Wall Street too if I was still around,” said Bogart. “Back in ’47, I was a member of the Committee for the First Amendment.”
He explained the group was formed to support actors targeted by the House Un-American Activities Committee, the group blacklisting actors and writers as communists.
“I was no commie and I didn’t like commies but sometimes you’ve got to speak up,” said Bogie.
He asked if I was speaking up. I said I write columns and stories for a small town paper.
“You got to start somewhere,” he replied. “Is it always this damp in Cape May?”
I replied it was.
“I could be somewhere warmer than this,” he said.
With that he threw a $5 bill on the bar and strolled out the door.
We haven’t got a hope in the world on jobs, I thought as I watched Bogie disappear into the night.