Friendship: Your Best Health Investment?

‘Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend. “
Albert Camus
“For the first time in my life, I wonder if I can make it,” Mindy said quietly, as though she did not want herself to hear what she was saying. Blessed with a mane of thick wavy ash blond hair and large blue eyes. Patent heeled sandals highlighted French manicured toenails, and her striking silver jewelry signaled careful choice and exquisite taste. She looked straight at me, as she had been trained to do by the executive coaching team that had helped her become Human Resources Director in her corporation. “They pulled the budget and I have no staff left. I have been bound and gagged and I must quit, but I will never find a job as good as this one: And I need it to support my sons and me.
Tears began as she continued, “And I know I have to drop Matthew. He is bad for me but he is all I have. “Tall, handsome Matthew recently admitted that he had no interest in an exclusive relationship and no intention of leaving his wife. Mindy’s glamorous life had lost its foundation, and she knew it.” I really need the penthouse suites he provides for us. They make me feel special.”
“What do your friends think about leaving Matthew?” I knew that a network of friends could make all the difference in the months to come, and needed to assess how strong her safety net was.
“Are you kidding?” As her pitch escalated, I could hear her New York Jewish heritage. “Who has time for friends?” Between this meshugene job and my kids, I am lucky to get to the gym. I really miss the friends I had, but I turned them away and they have stopped calling.” This was the answer I had feared: the combination of job loss, relationship catastrophe and lack of friends had indeed endangered Mindy’s mental health. She was a candidate for depression: unable to care for herself, Mindy had no friends to help her through this horrible time.
“Mindy, you need to rebuild the friend network ASAP. I know you can do it. Folks love you, and without friends you are in danger of a serious depression. Friends are as important as meds in your life in the next months.”
Mindy looked surprised as she asked “What makes friends so valuable to me now?” As I explained the foundation that friends can provide in troubled life patches, I thought about some of the roles that friendship plays in our lives.
Many of us start as preschoolers with imaginary friends who minister to us when we feel lonely. Adolescents thrive on Internet friends they may never have seen. Men stand silently next to fishing buddies as they spend days over string and bait.
Girlfriends lighten the burden of caretaking by offering women good gab and giggles. In reality, friends actually do make our worlds go round: they want what is best for us, offer us sympathy and empathy, and somehow manage to be honest without insulting us because we know they have our welfare at heart. It is this foundation of trust, based in mutual understanding and compassion that establishes the powerful reciprocity between our friends and us. We operate in an equal give and take that allows us to feel supported and fulfilled.
But did you know that friends can actually help women live better lives? Research indicates that for women, strong friendships increase the likelihood of good health and longevity. Isolation is linked to greater risk of illness (especially heart disease, viral infections, and cancer) and death. It turns out that friendship has been termed the “behavioral vaccine” for women. This may be because friends enhance friends’ coping skills in handling tough problems, and may even be that strong bonds can positively impact physiological pathways, which protect our health.
But, like Mindy, too many of us have packed our lives too full for friends. American Sociological Review reports that Americans have suffered loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships. Since 1985, 25 percent of Americans report no close confidants and our number of close confidents has halved to only two people. We Yankees have increased our dependence on family members, especially partners, and turn less to our best friends.
To consider: Do you give your friends the time you both need to refuel this centrally important relationship in your life? And if not, what can you change to return this healing force into your life? After all, you just might need it some day.
To Read: On Friendship. Michel de Montaigne. Penguin 2005
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