First Love at 55: Eva Remains Independent

Eva is a remarkable person. Raised by a schizophrenic mother and a mild-mannered psychologically ignorant father, Eva and her bully of a big brother grew up by learning independence early. Brother Larry became a beer-drinking macho man who dominated Eva into handling housework for the family at age nine. Eva did this gladly to find a way to be loved, learning to be clever in escaping the psychotic rampages that would overtake her mother. Eva helped care for her mother who died of Alzheimer’s and dementia when Eva was 45.
No coward, Eva decided to find herself a boyfriend better than the men who raised her. Drawn to tall blond athletes, Eva got crushes on jocks seeking petite prom queens, not on robustly built Eva. Shy and socially awkward, Eva retaliated by teasing the boys about lacking the courage to ask her out. She toughed out her twenties.
At age 30, Eva appeared at The Coche Center to ask for help. Although her career as guidance counselor was viable, she had no personal life. Too shy to initiate friendships, she read self-help books and ate pasta at night after work. As her weight increased, her self-doubts caused her to further withdraw until she was in danger of living the rest of her life in abject loneliness.
She sought men who, like her high school idols, looked tall and preppy, but none would have her, save for the occasional way to pass an idle evening. Eva resolved to “become a full person” by learning to make friends and eventually become a loving companion. Through individual and group psychotherapy, Eva learned how others saw her, and how to speak up without alienating others. Group members admired her spunky spirit and coached her on how to make the most of her solidly built frame and friendly face. Little by little, Eva became appealing to look at and know, replacing her hard protective shell with a ready smile and friendly greeting.
Last year we began to help her tackle the world of men. Joining the many clients who place an Internet personal ad, Eva was shocked to find that men had interest in her. She was clueless about what to do next. Her group and individual work helped her to answer a few ads until she came upon a terrific candidate. Norman, a large kind-spirited bear of a man a bit older than Eva, invited her out and declared her simply beautiful.
He had no intent of letting her get away, and, with support from her clinical team, she battled her fierce desire to withdraw and agreed to return his calls. Independent as always, she forthrightly explained her ambivalence about “romantic involvement” and expressed willingness to “take things one step at a time.” But she felt thrilled that someone appropriate for her life wanted her in his. They continue to know one another better and better.
This is the third in a series on qualities, which give us resilience. Resilience is the capacity to rise above adversity and create personal strength as a result of life struggles. One facet of resilience involves personal independence, which allows us to think about our tough life decisions without becoming emotionally unglued.
Research on resilience, called “Project Resilience, ” followed children as they became adults: resilient children like Eva manage to remain calm by creating enough emotional distance from the sources of trouble in their lives that they can remain logical in thinking things through.
They stand up for themselves, taking control of their own pain by separating from it enough to gain perspective and understanding. Psychotherapy can be instrumental in this process, especially group therapy, which forms a clinical team surrounding the adult needing to think things through clearly.
As a survivor of damaging parenting, Eva had built considerable resilience by adulthood and was enjoying the personal accomplishment of having survived hardships. Survivor’s pride results from persisting in the face of hardship and Eva would often speak about her childhood with a bittersweet mixture of pain and triumph.
This mix was readily visible to group members, who admired her courage. Although her current life is far from emotionally secure, her resilient independence has allowed her to thrive professionally, own her own home and car, vacation with female friends, and finally date a realistic choice for intimate companionship.
There is little danger in Eva’s life now. She plants her garden, counsels students, and enjoys a robustly built man who cares about her. But looking more closely at this successful life, we find the spirit of a woman with great courage, independence, and resilience.
To consider: how independent are you? How might greater independence increase your resilience to tough life situations?
To Read: The Struggle to Be Strong, Desetta and Wolin, Free Spirit Publishing.
(Coche of Stone Harbor educates the public in mental health issues. She can be reached at tcctcs@earthlink.net or 215-735- 1908.)