Fatherhood’s an Untaught Major

At first, he was just a nameless, big guy to little you. He might have held you and said nice things you can’t remember, but chances are he never changed your diaper; that onerous task fell to someone else. Yet, somehow, as time went on, that strange, wonderful figure finally had a name, “Da Da.”
Maybe his loving, strong arms grasped you after you took your first faltering steps. He was ready to catch you. If you tripped over your feet and hit the floor, he was quick to pick you up. It’s likely you don’t recall, but you were watching him, how he acted and reacted to your mother and others in the household. From your earliest days, he became a guide, a measuring rod for you. Without realizing it, you decided you either wanted to be like him in many ways, or definitely would be 180 degrees from what he was in your little mind.
As years passed, you came to rely on him to have answers to every question. He was an idol, of sorts. It seemed he could do just about anything.
You might have watched him leave for a job he may have despised, yet knew he did it because the family needed money to feed you and the others, if there were any. You’d hear him come home, maybe threw his coat on a chair, and head for the refrigerator for a cold drink after a long, hard day (or night). Still, Dad – that was his title now – did that and you never thought much about it.
Then, days melted into decades. The big, strong, nameless chap you once revered as sacred was grayer, more human. You understood he had some failings and faults, which you never knew as a child. By that age, you could probably look him in the eye. You could actually tell him what you thought about him and his rules, and what you planned to do. And he stared right back at you and reminded you that, as long as you lived under his roof, you would abide by his rules. Once you were “of age,” you could move out, join the service, and be on your own. Having attained all wisdom, at that tender age, you believed you had all the answers.
When I think of those tenuous times in just about everyone’s life, the image of a mother bird teaching her young to fly, and unceremoniously booting them from the nest comes to mind. It’s just an animal instinct, pure and simple, nothing more, nothing less. Birds, of course, can’t verbalize at that time, but we humans have the ability to say some very nasty things to each other on such occasions.
So, we go our own way. Soon our fine knowledge of the world becomes woefully inadequate. The sweet taste of freedom sours or turns bland, and we find ourselves transformed into fathers. The circle is nearly complete. It’s a new day with a new face looking at us. Things are so different now from “back in the day.”
We have become that nameless, big guy to that little person. Society has changed, but have we?
According to a June 2013 Pew Research Center survey on fathers, “there were about 189,000 stay-at-home dads, defined as married fathers with children younger than 15 who stayed out of the labor force for at least one year primarily to care for the family while their wife works outside the home.” It’s estimated they cared for 369,000 children.
It also noted fathers have “nearly tripled the amount of time they spend with their children, from 2.5 hours in 1965 to 7.3 hours per week in 2011.” Given there are 168 hours in a week, that’s still not much time to help mold the future, so it’s important to make each minute of those hours “quality time.”
The study noted a 2011 Boston College study that revealed 75 percent of new fathers took a week or less off from work after the birth or adoption of their most recent child, 16 percent took no time off while new moms took between six and 12 weeks off. It further stated, “Of those who took time off, 92 percent of fathers said they had a positive experience being with their child during that time.”
If the fact has not yet become evident, fathers are very important people. If you are still sweating through catalogs or puzzled what to get your dad, the Pew study is quick to come to your aid. It may remove your angst as you wonder what to do for the man who offered you sound advice, (regardless if you wanted to accept it) and really loves you (even if he hasn’t said it in years). “According to a 2012 poll from market-research firm Ipsos, most dads would prefer to either spend quality time with their families on Father’s Day (June 15) or receive no gift at all. Gift cards were a distant third.”
This topsy-turvy world is sorely in need of good fathers, who stand by their families through good and bad; who don’t walk away when the bottom falls out, who are rock-solid role models for their daughters as well as their sons. Schools teach everything under the sun and award degrees for all manner of learning, except fatherhood. Only life can teach that.
All this about being a strong father took on fresh meaning as I reflect over the past 90 days. Chris, my daughter Lisa’s husband, became a dad to Sheilla Elizabeth March 6. A wee lass with a whimsical smile looks into his face and I see the future. It is a fact not many men ever fathom, even if they take parenting classes: a baby does change everything. Life takes on new perspective when there’s that tiny cry that just won’t quit until she’s picked up and held and fed and rocked.
The study nailed it on the head, forget the ties and tacky stuff, what most dads really want is just quality time with the children, in their arms and in their hearts forever.
Happy Father’s Day!