Couples and Money: What Price for Family Balance?

“He hasn’t brought in a penny in four years.” Kate looked for my reaction out of the corner of her eye. At first glance, Kate looked “just right:” white capris, polo shirt, streaked sandy hair pulled simply into a barrette at the nape of her neck. On closer look, I noticed deep crinkles at the corners of her eyes. The downturned corners of her lips made her look older than the toddler moms that glow on our local beaches in August.  
“I used to be so mad I thought I wanted to shake some sense into his head, but these days I am so tired that I can’t even be mad. I mean, it’s not like he can’t work. The man has a degree from the Wharton School!  He used to earn $180,000 without even trying!” As Kate’s story unfolded, her body began to click into the amount of rage it had been carrying, and her face began to flush. “I try to forget how angry I am. It is easier to be depressed.”
Kate had called at the insistence of her family doctor who said the situation required professional mental health intervention. I learned that Bart had come home one day to say calmly that he was leaving his lucrative up-the-corporate-ladder position because he hated it and all it represented. He refused to throw his life away for this career. He had decided that Kate’s $90,000 insurance sales position could carry the family financially. He would care for 3-year-old Courtney and baby Scott. Kate loved her husband and felt no choice but to acquiesce. After all, her brilliant husband deserved to be happy, and he was a terrific dad. Kate floated the idea past her sister who grimaced and said, “Jeez, Kate that could never work in our house. I’d be so mad I’d want to throw Tom off his sunfish!” 
Kate stalwartly tried to be chipper in her new project of being a career-mom-with-two-toddlers-and-unemployed-husband. All too soon, exhaustion and disappointment unbalanced her sense of well-being.   She had long dreamed of being a mom of two beautiful kids, but could not combine mothering with a full career. She worried about the kids and resented her life. Anxiety and depression began to take their toll, and within months Kate appeared at her family doctor for some “meds to get back my energy.” The wise physician listened carefully and decided that medicine alone was inadequate to the task of life repair. The combination of anger, depression, and anxiety had created a powerful biochemical slump from which Kate, the marriage, and the kids, were suffering needlessly. The recommendation made sense to Kate, who went straight to Bart and asked him to come in. 
When I met Kate and Bart, we decided they needed to do behavioral finance work in addition to treating the anxiety and depression that had taken Kate by storm. They wanted to learn to manage their life dreams in relation to the reality of money. Bart was tired of too little intellect in his life. He did not like the darts his sister-in-law threw at him when they had family dinners. He no longer felt like the competent male he worked so hard to prepare to be. 
Money has replaced sex as one of the hardest situations for couples to deal with well. Couples tell me that they argue more about money than any other topic. My clinical experience informs me that stress over financial concerns can drive unhealthy behavior in many ways:
1.    Abused partners remain in marriages for financial survival
2.    Adults remain in unhealthy work environments and compromise their value system in order to support their families
3.    Older adults live in abject terror of “running out of money” before they “run out of life”
4.    Financial stress is a major contributor to clinical anxiety and depression
Kate and Bart are figuring things out. Kate’s depression and anxiety have subsided. Optimal life assessment is helping Bart plan a dream career. Psychological intelligence assessment uncovered superior verbal and nonverbal intelligence. Bart is using psychotherapy to treat the hopelessness caused by his self-imposed financial failure. Kate and Bart are digging their way out of this family trauma and on their way to rebalancing their energies. I predict that they will feel successful and balanced within a year.
To consider: Is there a financial situation that is causing undue and harmful distress in your life? How can you get help with your thinking about money to prevent further damage to your well-being?
To read: Deborah Price, The Heart of Money. New World Library, 2012. Money issues have long been the number one cause of relationship disharmony and divorce. This book presents strategies and tools for creating financial intimacy while learning to communicate about money issues.
Find Dr. Judith Coche working with couples and money concerns at The Coche Center, LLC, in Stone Harbor and Rittenhouse Square. Find her through www.cochecenter.com.