But We Are Just Talking! Emotional Affairs in Married Couples

Sam and Sally worked together in a successful corporation that manufactured electronics. His MBA-facilitated skill enabled him to become vice president of his corporation. 
As part of his management responsibility, he became embroiled in tricky relationships with two of the staff he managed. He turned to the human relations department, speaking candidly with is concerns with Sally, a senior staff member.
They both often worked late and discovered that they shared a great deal in common, especially in sports. Sally ran and played tennis. Sam did both and biked as well. Both were involved in long-term marriages that lacked sparkle, and they engaged in deep discussions about mutual interests in politics and their work.
Occasional business dinners stretched as the months progressed. Neither mentioned the dinners to their partner. Both felt guilty but were aware that the after-work dinners felt more and more important to each. They told each other how wonderful it was to have a soulmate at work.
Sally soon confided in Sam that she was considering divorce but hated to hurt her daughter. She confessed that their friendship gave her the emotional strength to remain married.
Sam openly stated that he was happily married to Mary, but was disappointed that his wife took no interest in sports. He deeply appreciated Mary’s wit, her sincerity, and her tenacity, but he wanted a playmate and she was now more child-oriented around their three sons.
He felt uncomfortable speaking with her about it, but it did not occur to him to invite her to return to do couples psychotherapy with me as they had when their children were born. He would mumble to himself, “This marriage is too bad to keep and too good to create divorce.”
One evening, Mary discovered some paper notes in his briefcase when she was looking for something he asked her to find for him. She pushed away her shock and guilt and examined his clothing. She found a two-year history of increasingly affectionate short phrases, like “I love your smile.”
Mary thought about calling me but did not feel comfortable doing that until or unless she had mentioned her concern to Sam. She told her husband of 14 years that she needed to speak with him that weekend. He was mildly annoyed but agreed.
She gently informed him of what she had found. Sam later reported to me that he felt a sinking feeling, tremendous shame, and deep embarrassment. He knew he ought to give it up, but the relationship with Sally had assumed tremendous importance. He imagined what it might be like to be with Sally permanently but knew he would not go that far. He liked the combination.
Sam and Sally were living an emotional affair. They experienced emotional intimacy, sexual chemistry, and romantic feelings, but they were not sexually unfaithful, so they could tell themselves their relationship was innocent.
Was it innocent? It badly abused Mary. All these months, another woman had been meeting her husband’s emotional needs and she had not known. How could she live with herself? How could she welcome Sam back into her trust?
They returned to therapy for the first time in eight years. I deeply regretted that they had not come in earlier before as much damage had been done.
They both had to look at the reason behind his emotional straying from his wife. Sam admitted to Sally that their marriage felt flat.
We began by reviewing the communication skills they had learned over 20 years before. They had forgotten how to identify and express their feelings and needs to each other without blame. When a partner listens carefully without attacking, we call this active listening, which can be taught and increases intimacy.
Once they could listen to each other, they needed to agree to find a way to forgive themselves and each other. This was hard because each felt ashamed, but this process of taking responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and communicating them directly to their partners allowed them to hear each other for the first time in a long time. This openness paved the way to strategize effective solutions.
As Mary said, the commitment to therapy was time-consuming and heart-wrenching, but it was worth all the work. They did survive an emotional affair. Today, they are closer than in the last 18 years.
To consider: How would you feel if you learned that your beloved partner was engaged in a deeply emotional relationship with someone at work? What would you do? Why?
To watch: Judith Coche. The Power of Love. TedX, Cape May. 2013. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUuRIHdBdj8
To receive at no cost: To help you understand more fully, I am pleased to email you a printout of these skills from my workbook on Couples Communication if you email me at drjudithcoche@gmail.com
 
Find Dr. Coche helping couples with emotional affairs at The Coche Center, LLC in Stone Harbor and at Rittenhouse Square. Reach her through www.cochecenter.com