Support Group Shows Grandparents They Are Not Alone

COURT HOUSE – According to a 2010 U.S. Census, 6.2 percent of all children in New Jersey lived in grandparent headed households and the number of children being raised by their grandparents continues to rise. Whatever the reason and situation, grandparents raising their grandchildren face major changes in their lives and shoulder enormous responsibilities.
Grandparents need to know they are not alone. To help them, Rutgers Cooperative Extension Center in Court House started a support group called Grandparents Raising Grandchildren in 1999. The program helps grandparents with education, emotional support and much more.
Marilou Rochford, associate professor, Rutgers University and Family and Community Health Sciences Educator for Rutgers Cooperative Extension, is the director of the program. She was teaching parenting classes in 1998 when three grandparents who were raising their grandchildren approached her. They asked her if she would start a parenting program specifically for them.
“At that time I had several other new programs and little additional help so I doubted I could undertake another project,” Rochford said. “But I learned of a videoconference called ‘Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Implications for Professionals and Agencies’ from the University of Wisconsin-Extension. I arranged to downlink this satellite conference at the Cape May County Technical School on Jan. 12, 1999 and co-hosted it with Pat Devaney, County Human Services Director.”
There were 62 participants in that conference and one-third of them were grandparents who were raising their grandchildren.
“After seeing that response it was clear to me that this issue needed attention in our county,” Rochford said. “Within a few months I coordinated a Legal Issues Workshop in our county which provided resources to the large number of grandparents in attendance. I initiated the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Support Group following the workshop and it has been meeting since 1999. We serve Cape May County residents who are grandparents, or other relative caregivers, who are raising their grandchildren.”
Grandparents who attend range in age from 47 to 80 and the children from age 3 to 17. Bridgette and George McGinley of Dennisville, 57 and 64, have been with the support group for two years. They have raised their two grandchildren for over four years because their parents had problems with drugs, domestic violence and incarceration.
“We were at a loss how to deal with several issues dealing with our grandchildren’s emotional well-being,” George McGinley said. “We hoped to be able to raise them to be happy, well-adjusted children. The grandparents program has helped us with everything from nutrition, healthy meals to drying tears and how to explain why they live with us instead of their parents.”
The McGinleys said some of their problems raising grandchildren stem from how they have different methods of parenting.
“We have to deal with the children’s natural feelings of guilt, rejection, disappointment and feeling different since they lack their own parents’ involvement during holidays when special school functions are specifically directed for Mom and Dad,” George McGinley said. “We have found it more difficult to raise our grandchildren than raising our own seven children. One problem is that the grandchildren are scholastically way advanced than when our kids were going to school. Another obvious problem is our age, we’re much older now, without all the energy.”
The McGinleys said their grandchildren love going to the programs, which show them they are not different.
“The program has been a godsend to us and our grandchildren,” George McGinley said. “They have empowered us to be the best grandparents to our grandchildren whom deserve nothing but the best.”
The goals of the support group are to provide educational programs related to the needs of the families, everything from nutrition and wellness to legal issues like custody; strengthen family relationships; identify community resources; improve the quality of life for families; and to provide a supportive environment to encourage networking with other grandparents.
Rochford said there are many reasons why grandparents have stepped into a parenting role.
“Grandparents have always helped with their grandchildren, that’s not new,” Rochford said. “But today many grandparents are raising their grandchildren because their own parents do not or cannot parent their children. Some of the reasons include drug and alcohol abuse, incarceration, poverty, abuse and neglect, domestic violence, teenage pregnancy, unemployment and death.”
Rochford added that raising a grandchild is much different that raising a child and that grandparents struggle with many issues including communication with schools, limited budgets, gaps in discipline, worry over care of the child if a grandparent dies, resentment over lack of freedom, loss of friendships, need for day care, dealing with their adult child, drugs and alcohol, legal questions, wills, loss of social life, health problems and decreasing energy.
“Coming to our support group, grandparents learn they are not alone and they make new friends,” Rochford said. “They learn new skills and the program provides respite.”
Each program, held monthly at the Rutgers Cooperative Extension Center in Court House, starts with dinner for the families.
Then the children have activities and games in a separate room and the grandparents gather for their program.
The group receives support from the Cape May County Board of Chosen Freeholders and the County Department of Aging and Disability. The Oceanside Community Club of Lower Township has “adopted” the grandparents at the holidays and has provided gifts for the children.
Susan Griffiths, 66, of West Cape May is a widowed grandmother raising her two granddaughters, ages eight and six. She has been with the Grandparents Support Group for three years. She is raising her grandchildren because their father is in rehab and their mother has mental issues and lives in another state.
“I love coming to the support group,” Griffiths said. “I receive so much support from the other grandparents and guidance when needed. The emotional help and supportive comments from the staff has been a great relief. My grandchildren are great, sweet and well behaved. I feel I am more strict with them because I am older and wiser. My grandchildren love going to meetings as well. They feel proud they can serve themselves the light dinner and they can’t wait to go into the other room to be with the volunteers and meet and play with the other children. I highly recommend the group to all grandparents raising grandchildren.”
For more information on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren call 609-465-5115 or see: njaes.rutgers.edu.
To contact Debra Rech, email drech@cmcherald.com.